Bond of love forged in childhood never wavered
Local woman recalls caring for brother, mother in prize-winning essay
BY PATRICIA A. MILLER
Staff Writer

Top, Marian Colton and husband Chris remember her late brother, Joey, and celebrate Colton's first-place prize-winning entry in the national "Give a Caregiver a Break" essay contest published in the current issue of Caring Today magazine.

Perhaps the proudest moment of Joseph Flatley's life came last Dec. 17, when the 52-year-old man with Down syndrome sang "Silent Night" at his church's annual Christmas pageant.

"People were crying their eyes out," said Marian Colton, his sister.

When the pageant was over, Marian and her husband, Chris, drove Joey back to their Brick Township home.

Joey died on the bathroom floor about 90 minutes later. His heart had finally given out. His family buried him a few days before his favorite holiday.

"I was devastated," Colton said. "The only thing that keeps me from falling apart is winning this contest. My mother is so happy that Joey's story has been told."

Colton, a paraprofessional at the Brick Community Primary Learning Center, won first place in the national "Give a Caregiver a Break" essay contest. The winning entries are published in the November/December issue of Caring Today magazine.

PHOTOSBY MIGUEL JUAREZ staff

She was feeling down one night back in July and decided to troll the Internet for caregiver Web sites. She came across the magazine's Web site and noticed that the deadline for the 500-word essay contest was just 90 minutes away.

Colton called her essay "Double Duty." She wrote about what it was like to care for both her older brother and her ailing mother at the same time, while holding down a full-time job. She wrote from her heart.

"I hit the send button," she said. "I felt better for having told my story."

When Joey Flatley was born in 1953, the doctors told his parents not to expect him to live past the age of 7.

When the little boy celebrated his seventh birthday, the doctors changed their life span prediction to 12 years.

COURTESY OF MARIAN COLTONAt left, taking care of her Down syndrome brother, Joey, came early to Marian, as seen in a childhood photo from the early 1960s.

"When he hit 21, my mother said if he hits 50, we are having a party like no other,'" Colton said.

And they did. They celebrated his 50th birthday at the Toms River Elks Club. Joey wore a tuxedo.

His parents treated their Down syndrome son just like anybody else, she said.

The only time Colton ever saw Joey acknowledge his disability came one Christmas when they were small. The children were talking and singing into a tape recorder.

"After he heard himself, he cried like a baby," she said. "He realized he didn't sound like everybody else."

He lived with his parents, Eleanor and Joseph Flatley, for much of his life. When their father died 24 years ago, Joey stayed with his mother. But health problems began to plague them both as the years passed.

Eleanor had diabetes, heart problems and high blood pressure. Joey had episodes where the blood flow to his heart was interrupted and he passed out. Then came the day Eleanor was told she needed triple-bypass surgery.

The doctors told her she could no longer live with her son because the stress of taking care of him would be too much for her.

But placing Joey in a nursing home was never an option. Colton remembers the day she and Chris brought her mother home from the hospital after her surgery.

"My mother was crying," Colton said. "She said, 'I don't know what I'm going to do.'

"My husband said, 'Joey will never go to a nursing home. He will come live with us.' "

The family received another jolt when Marian took him to the doctor shortly after he moved in with them. He had aortic stenosis, a condition that could be repaired with surgery. But anesthesia was not a possibility because he had a weakened upper respiratory system. Doctors gave him less than two years to live.

So began Colton's "double duty" journey as a caretaker. Up with Joey early in the morning, getting him fed, bathed and dressed before Easter Seals picked him up for day care and she headed off to work. Colton credits the principal and staff at the learning center for making it possible to take care of her brother and mother at the same time.

The Easter Seals bus dropped Joey off at 3:30. Colton didn't get out until 3:40. But her fellow workers agreed to fill in the last 10 minutes and school Principal Maureen Higgins agreed to let Joey be dropped off at the school, provided Marian took him home right away.

"That 10 minutes was the difference between me being able to work and not being able to work," she said.

Evenings she spent at her mother's house in Holiday City at Berkeley. She changed dressings, fed her, bathed her and got her into bed for the night.

The last summer her brother was alive, Colton didn't have an hour to herself. She still regrets the day she snapped at Joey, angry that he could not clean himself. Her brother cried.

Colton had what she calls a spiritual experience after her outburst. She felt as if Christ spoke to her.

"I never complained again after that message," she said. "I miss it and I miss him. I would give $5 million to have those duties back again."

The Coltons left their Christmas village display up all year after Joey died. The houses are still lit, tiny dancers and skaters still pirouette. Chris could not bring himself to take it down.

"Joey wanted me to put it up," said Chris. "I just decided not to take it down. I loved Joey. There was something about Joey you had to love."