Are We There Yet?
Oh no! It's time for the annual checkup again
LORI CLINCH

'Hey," I said to my beloved spouse the other night, "I think it's time for our annual checkup!"

Lori Clinch is themother of four sons and the author of the book "Are We There Yet?" You can reach her at www.loriclinch.com.

Some might think me cruel for dropping such a bomb in the middle of coffee time and most likely they are men who don't know what it's like to be ignored for the TV.

"I just did an annual checkup," my husband responded as he furrowed his brow and set his jaw, making it clear that he was not happy at the suggestion.

"Actually, it's been well over a year," I responded with my best authoritative tone.

He sat back and crossed his arms and looked at me. It was a battle of the wills if ever there was one.

He gave me some line about being too busy for such nonsense and then I gave him a line about early diagnoses. He then told me that physicals are humiliating and I went on to describe the final stages of labor.

"Well," he said as he prepared to hit below the proverbial belt with a mathematical equation, "I heard that you only have to have four checkups in your 40s, and five checkups in your 50s, and since I just had one in 2006, that means that I don't have to have one"- then he paused for a minute as he did some calculations in his head, muttered a few algebraic equations out loud and then proudly announced - "until I'm well past 52."

I sat and stared at himwith a blank look. Thatman knows dang well thatmath and I don'tmix.He knows that I don't understand that "a" minus "b" to the third power thing and that I believe a parallelogram is a fun way to park your car.

As he sat back smugly in his chair, I fell into his trap and commenced to averaging the age, multiplying the years and was about to carry the nine when it dawned on me- nobody has ever said that you only go one-tenth of your age times nine to calculate an annual physical. "Who told you that?" I asked with enough determination to wipe the smug look off his face.

"I read it," he said as he held his head high.

And that, dear friends, is where he lost the debate. For I knew full good and well that theman hadn't read anything besides a newspaper, a map and a construction journal since his Dr. Suess days and I told him so with a smug smile.

"Maybe I heard it on the Discovery Channel."

"See, that's another problem - you watch too much TV. Let's make a deal," I said as I tried to manipulate the situation. "You go in for your physical, and then I'll go in for mine."

"I went first last time," he said without missing a beat.

"No, I went first last year."

"No," he replied as he once again set about to confuse me with numbers. "I went first in '94 and you went first in '95. Then you had a baby in '97, causing a serious topsy-turvy. That makes all of the odd years mine and the even years yours."

With that, he smiled at me, leaned back comfortably in his chair and added, "And I do believe that 2008 is an even year."

It was enough to make a gal choke on her figures. He had won the debate and I was going in first.

As if numbers weren't rocking my world enough already, the nurse at the doctor's office called my name and then asked me to, and I quote, "Hop up on the scale so we can get a number."

"Is there a real reason for the weight check?" I whined. I felt that figure was no one's business but my own. "Has no one stopped to ponder the reasoning behind it? I don't see anyone checking my height. My ring size isn't an issue.And it's been forever since anyone has asked for my measurements. Why must we know my weight?"

"It's just a number that we need, dear."

"You know," I replied, "I heard they are only asking that people come in for weight checks four times in their 40s. So if we contemplate last year's physical and average the great flu of 2006, I'm already two times into a 10-year decade. What say we apply the same reasoning and don't make me weigh in again until 2010?"

"Did you get that from Dr. Suess?"

"Actually I think it comes from the Discovery Channel."

"Then I'll make a note that you're watching too much TVas you hop up on the scale."